For the most part, I’ve come across extremely supportive people on social media who just want to enjoy the craft of writing. But the writerly and fan communities suffer from at least one notable issue when it comes to internet etiquette (which, to be fair, is true of most of social media): how to initiate and handle discussions.
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I’ll include my obligatory disclaimer here that I won’t be defending hateful beliefs. Nobody has the right to spread harmful rhetoric about any group of people. If I reference people expressing their dislike for a piece of media, then I don’t mean it in a bigoted way.
For example, if someone hated a character because she was a powerful woman, or a story because women and/or young girls were the primary audience, then that’s not the kind of opinion I’m talking about in this post. If someone’s being a bigot, either in their own post, or in a comment on a non-problematic post, then they’re being an asshole.
I also believe in the paradox of tolerance—that in order to have true tolerance, then we must be intolerant of intolerance. I don’t defend the rights of people to hold opinions that harm others.
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Most of what we talk about online is based on our opinions—who our favorite characters are, why we can’t stand others, the best way to handle a plot, or the tropes nobody can allegedly stand. While certain opinions might be more or less popular than others, they’re still our opinions, and we’re all still entitled to have them.
And if we choose to share our opinions on a public forum, then we’re opening ourselves up to a public discussion. We’re perfectly free to make a post about why character X is the worst that ever existed, or how there’s a “non-negotiable” way to make a well-crafted protagonist.
It also means we’re going to see opinions we may not agree with. Someone might love a character we think is overpowered. Someone might hate a romance we swoon over. No matter how niche the fandom or popular the series, people aren’t all going to agree on what they think about it. And so long as people aren’t being cruel about it, then we’re going to have to accept that they’re exercising the same right we have to talk about whatever they want.
And to be clear, cruelty includes things like slandering us with false accusations, attacking our character and/or our appearance, and using abusive language. Stating “X character is terrible” or “X story is problematic” isn’t inherently cruel to us.
(And, not to put too fine a point on it, but if someone were to state “X character is terrible because she’s a powerful woman, and I’m uncomfortable with that,” though the sentiment may not be aimed at us specifically, it would still be a bigoted, and would be wrong in a different way.)
We need to be ready to encounter these things. We can feel annoyed or angered or hurt; we can vent to our friends and family. We can try to respond to the post or comment (assuming both parties are being civil about it), and we can hopefully have a constructive discussion. But we can’t insist that person doesn’t have the same right to talk that we do.
I’ve been on both sides of the equation—commenting on posts where the creator was less-than-hospitable to the possibility of discussion; and posting my own opinion to the personal offense of random commenters.
For the first, I’ve seen plenty of posts declaring female characters should be heavily policed and held to higher standards than their male counterparts. But whenever I or any other commenters try to politely counter these ideas with the encouragement for us all to disavow sexist norms and write however we want, the original poster gets angry. They rant about how stupid the characters are, and accuse us, by the extension of liking them, of being unprofessional “hobby writers” who aren’t interested in honing our craft. They tell us we aren’t welcome in that space, and should go somewhere where people aren’t “serious” about their writing.
I get we all have the ability to refrain from commenting as well as the ability to make a comment. But if you post in a public forum, then you need to expect public attention. If you don’t want people to disagree with you, then you can disclaim in your post that your views are only your opinion; you can avoid engaging altogether; or you can limit or turn off comments.
This isn’t a guarantee that no one will disagree with you, but it sets relevant expectations. I often disclaim I care more about my love of writing than the audience’s approval. Let people know you’re not trying to attract any kind of writer, but rather a particular niche.
On the other side, every time I post about how I’m not crazy about a particular ship from a particular franchise, I get at least one person calling me some sort of asshole who wants to ruin all the happiness they have in life. And someone actually wondered if I was on drugs for not agreeing with their fabricated headcanon about said ship.
If seeing someone else’s opinion on something makes you feel personally ashamed of it, then I’m sorry to say, but that’s not a problem with them—that’s a problem with you. You’re perfectly free to like something somebody else doesn’t enjoy. You gain nothing from trying to convince them to agree with you, except a good deal of aggravation.
In general, a good rule of thumb to follow before posting or commenting is: are you acting from a place of anger or insecurity, or are you willing to have a genuine discussion on the topic? Do you feel the need to “convert” someone to justify your own opinion; or are you just interested in hearing what someone else has to say about it?
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Interactions should be about positivity—lifting each other up, expanding our worldviews, and discovering the things that bring us joy.
And we can navigate disagreements within these parameters. Just remember to post from a place of self-esteem, kindness, and curiosity. And give grace to all the (polite and non-bigoted) people you may encounter in your travels.
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