I’d pay money to see a skit between these two. An esteemed, powerful, and yet still humanly humble wizard—versus a guy whose solution to everything was “make the orphan do it.”
This is just a little idea I had a bit ago on the subject.
* * *
G: So y’all got an evil wizard? Do you need help defeating him or anything?
D: Oh no, we got this handled bro. But thank you.
G: Are you sure? Cause he seems very much alive and active and murdering innocent civilians.
D: No really, I’ve got a plan.
G: Does it involve killing all these innocent civilians?
D: Well, like. Not explicitly.
G: …
D: But y’know, collateral damage, amirite?
G: …no, not really.
*awkward silence*
G: *coughs* So, uh…what was this plan of yours exactly?
D: Oh well, there’s this prophecy, you see?
G: Oh yeah! We’ve got one of those too. This great descendant of a long line of kings would wield the re-forged sword of his ancestors and herald in a new age of peace and prosperity.
D: That’s so cool! Ours is about this boy who was born with the ability to defeat the Dark Lord. He’ll have a “power the Dark Lord knows not.”
G: Oh, nice! What is this power?
D: I don’t really know yet. But it’ll probably reveal itself in time, y’know?
G: …it doesn’t really seem like you’ve got a lot of time left, considering your Dark Lord is already killing a lot of people. You got any backup plans?
D: Well, y’know, a prophecy is a prophecy, so it’ll probably come true no matter what, amirite?
G: How do you even know that? Who issued this prophecy?
D: This crazy drunk woman. Her entire line’s been disgraced for never telling accurate prophecies, and literally no one has ever believed her.
G: …except for…you?
D: And Tom. He took the prophecy pretty seriously, too.
G: Who the fuck is Tom?
D: The Dark Lord.
G: He goes by Tom?!
D: No! He goes by Voldemort, but I like to call him by his real name—y’know, as a power move.
G: Alright, alright, I guess I can respect that.
G: So, getting back to this prophecy—why exactly do you think this lady who descends from a long line of inaccurate and disgraced prophets is finally speaking the truth?
D: Well, I feel like we’re about due for a savior, y’know?
G: …
D: I mean, when Tom went to kill this kid as a baby, he ended up dying, so—
G: Wait—Tom died?! How is he still around, then???
D: He split his soul up into these objects called horcruxes, which he then hid in strategic locations. So if he dies, then he can come back, so long as somebody performs the ritual.
G: Ah, I see. So somebody sneakily performed the ritual without anyone’s awareness, and he emerged from the shadows to wreak the sudden havoc of his revenge?
D: Well, no, not quite. I always suspected the bastard was still hanging around somewhere. I even found out about the horcruxes years ago. Hell, he reared his ugly head a few years before he returned, and I’ve been on the lookout for him ever since.
G: …so…how exactly did he sneak past your notice?
D: Ah, well, that’s a funny story. You see, there’s this competition called the Triwizard Tournament, and we haven’t held it in hundreds of years! Cause kids kept dying and all that. But anyway, we decided to revive it—
G: Hol up—why did you revive it if kids kept dying?!
D: Oh, well, you know, we put up safety measures and all that. Before, anyone could enter; but we changed it so the kids had to be at least of age to participate.
G: How old were they, though, if they were still children?
D: Seventeen and up. It’s okay; that’s the legal age of wizard adulthood.
G: *pinching forehead” …okay then. And what other safety measures did you enact?
D: What do you mean, “what other”?
G: *sighing* Never mind—just get on with the story.
D: Great!
D: As I was saying, we revived the Triwizard Tournament, and we only allowed one kid from each school to enter, and they had to be of-age. So we put up a spell to keep anyone underage from reaching the Goblet of Fire. It’s this chalice where you had to drop in your name on a little slip of paper, and when the competitors were ready to be announced, then it would spit them out.
D: But wouldn’t you know it—when we went to choose the competitors, after one had been picked for each school, another piece of paper spurted out—with none other than Harry Potter’s name upon it!
G: I’m guessing that’s the boy of the prophecy?
D: The one and only!
D: So his name came out, and we were all pretty darn gagged, as the youngsters would say nowadays. What were we to do?
G: Yeah, you had to figure out who did it, I’d imagine.
D: No, I meant we had to figure out whether or not Harry should participate!
G: But—why? Obviously foul play was afoot! Weren’t you at least a little bit suspicious?!
D: Well duh! But Harry was contractually obliged to participate! We all knew it—whoever’s name came out of the Goblet of Fire had to compete in the Tournament.
G: Or…what?
D: …I don’t actually know. Nobody’s ever tried not to compete before.
G: And why would you be contractually bound if anyone else could put your name in? That seems a bit unfair.
D: I don’t know. No one’s ever tried to do that before either.
G: *pinching forehead more aggressively* Who exactly suggested you revive the Tournament again?
D: IDK, probably Bartemius Crouch. He was this disgraced wizard cop whose son turned out to be a violent extremist, so we shunted him to be the Head of Wizard Entertainment or something instead.
G: …
G: So…I’m chancing you forced this poor boy to participate?
D: Oh no, he really enjoyed it. You know, after the media stopped heckling him and all that. The articles they wrote! *chuckling* And the muggles think their press is bad.
G: Your wizard press writes slanderous stories about children?!
D: News is news. Now what was I saying?
D: Oh yeah, so Harry began to participate. And it was all going pretty well. He stole an egg from a dragon—
G: He accosted the local wildlife?!
D: No, no, these were captive dragons that we set up with fake eggs, so they only thought their unborn offspring were being stolen!
G: …you know what, I just want this story to be over with as quickly as possible. Just get on with it.
D: *huffing* So anyway, Harry stole an egg from a dragon, then rescued his friend who was chained to the bottom of a lake—
G: Why the fuck was he chained to the bottom of a lake?! What happened to the Tournament??
D: No, that was the Tournament! For the second challenge, we kidnapped someone close to each competitor, then chained them up at the bottom of a lake to be guarded by vengeful shark-people.
G: …
D: And then came the final challenge—the maze!! Where, if the kids survived, they had to touch the final trophy to be transported outside the obstacles and declared the final winner!
D: So Harry ended up being neck and neck with this other competitor, Cedric. Lovely fellow—shame he was born into the useless house.
D: But anyway, the two of them were just about to reach the cup together. Since good ol’ Harry wanted to share in his victory, he decided he and Cedric were going to touch it at the same time.
D: But instead of reappearing outside the maze, the two were swept away to a graveyard! Where Voldemort’s servant Peter Pettigrew was waiting. He’s this shapeshifting rat man who’d been posing as Harry’s friend’s pet all these years.
G: wut
D: Yeah, that’s another funny story. Little did we know a fully-grown man—and murderer of half a dozen muggles—was just vibing with school-aged children all this time! Lol
G: …
D: So Pettigrew killed Cedric, tied up Harry and performed the ritual. And BAM! Ol’ Voldy was back in business. He called together all his friends, and Tom tried to torture and murder Harry in a duel.
G: That’s—quite alarming. To say the least. How did you ever find out where Harry was?
D: Oh, we never did. He just reappeared on the school grounds with Cedric’s dead body and told us this story.
G: May I ask—how the fuck did he survive?
D: Well, you see, Harry’s wand contains the same sort of core that Tom’s does. So when Harry tried to deflect the curse Tom shot at him, the two spells connected, and this weird string of light appeared. Then Harry engaged Tom in a battle of unspoken wills, where he forced Tom’s wand to regurgitate all his previous spells. Those happened to be the ones that murdered Cedric and Harry’s parents. So their ghosts appeared, and gave Harry some much-needed moral support until he broke the connection and ran like hell!
G: …have you considered that the power the “Dark Lord knows not” is just unbelievably stupid luck?
D: To be honest, that has crossed my mind before. But Harry was still alive, so no harm done, really!
G: …maybe just a lil harm done?
D: *pointedly ignoring his companion’s last comment* And that’s how we knew how ol’ Tom was back!
G: But who ended up putting Harry’s name in the Goblet of Fire? And who set all that up in the first place? Was it the pedophile rat man?
D: Oh, no—it was our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Alastair Moody. He was actually Crouch’s son, Crouch Jr., in disguise—you know, the psycho wizard who we all thought died in prison? Turns out he’d actually faked his death, and Crouch Sr. had taken him home to live in secrecy since he felt bad his son had fallen in with terrorists. Little did he know his son had actually wanted to be with them!
G: What made you think he didn’t?
D: Well, when he was finally arrested and put on trial, he insisted he’d had nothing to do with them.
G: But didn’t you arrest him among them?
D: I mean, yeah. But he sounded pretty convincing. Had the tears and everything.
G: *sighing* So where is he now? I’m assuming you actually put him in prison?
D: Well, we were gonna—but then the Ministry of Magic came along and killed him so he couldn’t tell anyone Tom was back.
G: So the Ministry is in conspiracy with this Dark Lord?! Have you done anything about that yet?
D: No! They’re not working with Tom. Why the hell would you think that? They’re just terrified of admitting Tom is back, because it would mean they’d have to suck at their jobs again.
G: …their jobs of what, exactly?
D: *puffing out chest* Defending the Wizarding World, of course. I always have to do it myself.
G: *squinting* So…you, the tireless and self-proclaimed protector of the Wizarding World, knew this Voldemort might come back, and how, and yet…you didn’t do anything to stop it?
D: Well, I did find out where all his horcruxes were while I was waiting for him to return.
G: So you destroyed them, and now he can never come back?
D: …well, uh…no.
G: You found the very objects prolonging your enemy’s power and existence—and you didn’t even once think to get rid of them??
D: Well I thought about it! But we can’t do that yet.
G: Why not?!
D: Harry’s gotta be involved! He’s the kid of the prophecy!
G: You don’t even know what his role is yet! And what do you mean, he is the kid of the prophecy? Is he not of age yet?!
D: Oh hell no, he’s only fourteen.
G: …
D: But it’s fine, a lot of teenage wizards end up joining our wars when they graduate school.
G: …
D: Why? How old was your guy?
G: He was twenty! At least, only when he learned. His adopted father actually thought it might be a little bit early to tell him then; but he had a pretty good head on his shoulders. And he was much older than that when he actually had to carry out the prophecy!
D: Well, we don’t exactly have a lot of time here.
G: Is that—not what I—?? Ugh.
G: So what exactly does this Harry have to do to destroy the horcruxes?
D: I mean, nothing in particular. I could do it if I wanted to.
G: THEN WHY DON’T YOU??
D: Well, you see, the tricky thing is—Harry is kind of one of them.
G: Tom put a piece of his soul inside a child?!
D: *chuckling quite unconcernedly* It was quite by accident. When Tom went to kill Harry as a baby, his soul was so shredded already—like an old dish sponge, if you will—that a piece just went flying off and into the poor boy! It could’ve gone into his mother instead, but she was already lying dead on the floor by then.
G: So…wait…do you have to kill this kid??
D: I think so. I haven’t been able to come up with an alternative until recently—and it still sort of involves Harry dying.
G: Dare I inquire about it?
D: It’s really kinda foolproof, in a way. See, there’s this thing called “blood protection,” and it can only be bestowed if someone tries to protect somebody else with a selfless act of love. So Harry’s mom Lily was told to step aside when Tom went to kill him, but she didn’t. So when Tom ended up killing her, her death bestowed Harry with a magical barrier against harm from the Dark Lord specifically. So when Tom tried to kill Harry, the spell backfired and tore him apart instead!
D: But when Tom revived himself, he used a bit of Harry’s blood. So now Tom’s carrying on the protection spell, and he can’t hurt Harry by his own hand anymore.
G: I’m sorry, I know I’m getting on in years and my hearing’s not what it used to be. But—did you just say that Harry has protection against Tom, but since Tom used his blood, he still has protection from Tom as well? Wouldn’t it not matter if he’d used Harry’s blood to revive himself in the first place?!
D: IDK, that’s just what I remember from Wizarding Necromancy 101. Been a while since I’ve taken it. And I was never the best notetaker anyway.
G: *sighing* So—what does that have to do with anything, again?
D: It means if Voldy kills Harry, then Harry won’t actually die, but the piece of his soul inside of Harry will perish instead!
G: Who am I to argue with your land’s sick and twisted logic?
D: It’s really quite logical, actually. All we have to do is make sure Tom kills Harry himself!
G: What if he harms the boy beyond repair?
D: Oh, uh—Tom really likes this spell called the killing curse, which doesn’t leave a mark, so I think we’ll be okay.
G: But if he doesn’t use the killing curse?
D: He probably will.
G: …
D: …
G: So…once again, I sort of fail to see how Harry needs to be involved in all of this. Aside from telling him about this bizarre sacrifice you had no other plans of repelling.
D: Oh, I wasn’t gonna tell him yet. Gotta wait till it’s just about to happen, you know? That way he can’t back out on me. I’ve put a lot of work into making sure he’s willing to sacrifice himself for the Wizarding World.
G: Uh—is it that repugnant?
D: No—the Wizarding World is a wonderful place!
G: Yet all I’ve heard is that it’s overrun by necromancer terrorists nobody can seem to repel; they see nothing wrong with forcing children to participate in competitions that harm the wildlife, their loved ones, and carries the ultimate risk of death; and they’d rather let a terrorist run free if it means nobody actually realizes he’s running about and murdering people?
D: Well, you know…we also have some fun stuff too. We can perform magic; we have moving pictures in our newspapers; we have some pretty cool candy shops (if you ignore that our bestselling jellybeans include vile and inedible flavors)—and you can have your very own house-elf servant for free!
G: What.
G: What was that last part again?
D: *perking up* Oh, the house-elves? Yeah, they’re pretty cool. They LOVE working for people, so much so that you don’t even have to pay them! And they’re bound to follow you, unless you release them. All except that freak Dobby, of course. *rolls eyes* Harry helped him get free of his master. Like, I get it, sometimes masters can be a little unpleasant—but do you have to go around telling the rest of the house-elves they could be freed and work for pay?! My coffers aren’t that deep, you know! I don’t mind giving him a bit of coin to keep him docile—but it’s not in the budget to dole it out to everybody!
G: …
G: We have. A word for that in middle-earth
D: Oh really?
G: Yeah. It’s called slavery.
D: Oh cool! It’s the same term here.
G: …
D: Why are you looking at me like that?
G: You know…I think I’ve had quite a bit of conversation for the moment. I think I’ve gotta go find some strong alcoholic drinks—and maybe that prophet you mentioned. Someone should look into this dubious prophecy business.
D: You’re in luck! You can find both in the same place.
G: Oh, great! Where is she?
D: Right here in this school! She happens to be one of the teachers.
G: …
G: What does she teach?
D: Divination
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