I’ve long toyed with the idea of an audacious Harry Potter fic, where I attempt to fix all the plot holes and whip the characters into something resembling a consistent shape. Or, at the least, just re-plot all seven books so they make more sense.
I haven’t quite gotten around to that yet; but amid my efforts, I did attempt to recall the plot of the entire series on my own.
Perchance this will gift you with the same level of entertainment as it did to me.
* * *
Harry Potter and the Americans Who Apparently Like Alliteration More Than Accuracy
Prologue of leaving baby
Harry lives a completely shitty life with his relatives
Letters, arrival of school emissary
Hagrid takes Harry to shop, buys Hedwig
School year starts
Harry meets Ron on the train, is an ass to Hermione
Draco is an ass to Ron
Sorting, first dinner
Classes
-Snape is an ass
Harry is a Special Snowflake when it comes to riding a broomstick, gets put on the Quidditch team
Harry & Ron continue to bully Hermione
Draco continues to bully Harry & Ron
Halloween troll attack. Harry & Ron almost kill Hermione, but then decide to be friends
Somewhere in there, we start mentioning the Sorcerer’s Stone
Harry, Ron, & Hermione are suspicious of Snape
Not gonna lie, I forgot about 90% of this book
Quidditch??
Christmas; Ron & Hermione stay at the school to be w/ Harry, who doesn’t wanna go back to his relatives
Harry gets his father’s invisibility cloak as an anonymous gift
More Quidditch?
I guess more Sorcerer’s Stone stuff too (like finding the trapdoor, learning about the stone)
I think Hagrid has a dragon?! OH yeah a fucking dragon egg. So the kids are like “sure we’ll smuggle your stupid dragon out”
Wait was that when Draco was telling on them?? Why the fuck was any of this even happening? Who cares
I thought Draco challenged them to a fight¿?
Whatever
So the kids get caught, lose 1,000 points, everyone hates them
Then the kids catch Quirrell in the act, Harry sees Voldemort’s face, he almost dies
(LOL that sounds like his face was so ugly he almost died)
Gryffindor wins the House Cup
* * *
Harry Potter and the Dark Lord Before He Got Ugly
Dobby comes to fuck shit up, warn Harry he shouldn’t go to Hogwarts
Harry gets barred inside his room
The Weasleys arrive to rip the window off
Harry chills at the Burrow for the summer
Encounter w/ Lucius at the bookstore, he secretly slips Ginny Tom Riddle’s diary
(Meanwhile Voldemort is like “I TRUSTed you to keep that SAFE, you assbag”)
Meetin Lockhart, the new DADA teacher
To King’s Cross
Harry & Ron get stuck behind, they make the idiotic decision to take the car instead of writing for help (or waiting 0.0000045 seconds for an adult to come back through like “where the hell were you guys??”)
Harry & Ron crash into the Whomping Willow, Ron fucks up his wand
Howler at dinner (?)
Ron’s family won’t buy him a new wand, and Moneybags Potter also refuses to, even though the situation was partially his fault
Lockhart is useless
I think Quidditch happens somewhere in here too
Dobby fucks Harry up in Quidditch
Lockhart fucks up Harry’s arm, to infirmary
Bloody writing at the Halloween party, the cat is petrified, everybody suspects Harry because he’s the main character (even though someone like Draco seems a LOT more obvious)
Ginny acts weird
Harry & Co. stay behind at Christmas to impersonate some Slytherins & sneak around the dorm, during which Hermione turns into a cat & they find absolutely nothing
Harry finds the diary somewhere (not in the toilet tho), decides to write in it, meets Tom
More kids are petrified
OMG I fucking forgot about Kenneth Branaugh Lockhart, hold on you guys
Ok we’ve added him in
Suspicion that Hagrid is indirectly responsible because as a kid, he released a giant spider into the school. It’s the reason he’s been banned from doing magic all this time
More kids are petrified I guess
Oh yeah, Hermione is petrified too
Dumbledore is kicked out, Lucius is somehow in charge??
Hagrid tells Harry & Ron to check out the spiders, & they almost get killed
Ginny DISAPPEARS!!
Lockhart is still useless
Harry goes to fight a snake, earns Fawkes’ help once he’s proved his loyalty to Dumbledore
Harry frees Dobby
Hagrid is cleared & starts to work at the school
* * *
Harry Potter and the Plot Holes That Were Birthed to Give You This Pretty Cool Twist
The Dursleys are visited by a bitch who also delights in abusing Harry. Luckily, Harry blows her up like a balloon & runs away on the Knight Bus
Because Sirius is On the Loose, the Ministry doesn’t try to force him back, and they let him hang out in Diagon Alley & eat ice cream
Somewhere along the way, he learns about Sirius Black (not 100% sure who tells him, though…I’m pretty sure he & Ron & Hermione just overheard the tale in the Three Broomsticks one day?! Why TF didn’t anyone just tell him outright)
The Weasleys have won some money, but instead of using it to improve their living situation, they piss it away on a trip to Egypt, where Ron takes a photo with his rat
Harry meets up w/ the Weasleys (?)
Hermione gets a cat, who hates Ron’s rat (what the fuck was his name?? Scabbers)
(Is that because he’s a scab on society)
Off to school
Dementors on the Train
Meetin’ Remus, a stranger who gives out candy (but to be fair, based on all the strangers they’ve met, I can’t blame Harry & Co. for deciding to trust this one)
Get to school, Quiddich & Dementors I guess
Hermione has a Time-Turner because, instead of sitting her down and gently explaining that overexerting herself is unhealthy and indicative of a deeper insecurity, the teachers are okay with having her literally double her workload
Remus is the DADA teacher, Snape is an ass to him & takes over once a month when Remus is a werewolf
B o g g a r t s
Harry is scared of Dementors, so Remus teaches him how to summon a Patronus
Hagrid is the new Magical Creatures teacher, but he’s not amazing
Kids start Divination, which Hermione hates because Reasons
Draco gets scratched by a hippogriff, puts on his Karen wig & threatens to sue
OH YEAH Harry’s forbidden from going to Hogsmeade so that Dumbledore doesn’t have him reconnect w/ Sirius
Fred & George give Harry the Marauders’ Map, which he uses to sneak down to Hogsmeade
This is where he actually learns about Sirius
Sirius supposedly breaks in at some point & they send Finch alone into the basement w/ a shotgun (not sure if he really had one, but he should’ve)
Christmas?
The Long Stretch of Nothing that occurs between January-June
The hippogriff that scratched Draco will probably be killed
Sirius breaks in again, drags Ron away. The kids confront him & Remus, who explain Peter’s alive and a bitch
Scabbers reveals himself as a middle-aged man, Ron vomits
They capture Peter, but Remus just so happens to transform, & the rat gets away
Dementors try to kill Harry & Sirius, but Harry F R O M T H E F U T U R E saves them (God forbid it be Snape trying to show some character development)
The kids help Sirius escape on a hippogriff after going back in time
* * *
Harry Potter and Dumbledore’s Anger Management Issues
Peter is Vibin with Voldemort (the name of his new podcast). They have a PLAN!!
Harry happens to see all this as a dream (not entirely sure why…is he looking through Nagini’s eyes?)
Harry wakes up. His relatives are now scared of him, because Sirius is his friend
The Weasleys arrive to take Harry to the Quidditch World Cup
Arthur alludes to a Lot of Fun that will be happening this year (and later down the line, he will Severely Regret framing it as such)
Tentz
Game (introduction of Krum)
Harry sits next to Winky & an empty seat
Back to tentz
STAMPEDE!! Crazy drunk Death Eaters burn the house down. Harry is separated in the Woodz, and realizes his wand is GONE!!
Then the D A R K M A R K appears!!!!!!! 😱
Somebody thinks Harry or one of his friends cast it, but Arthur Weasley’s all like “that’s extremely tone-deaf, his parents were literally killed by them”
Winky is fired, though I don’t remember exactly what reason Crouch gave in the moment
TO SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The TRIWIZARD TOOOOURNAMENT (not as cool as the Tournament of Elements)
Quidditch is suspended (thank God)
Moody is the new DADA teacher, turns Draco into a ferret
Arrival of Beauxbatons (pretty sticks???) & Angry Germans Durmstrang w/ Krum
^Was that the first dinner or later?!?!
All the gurls luv Krum, except Hermione, who has other things to worry about (like the impostor syndrome she’s undoubtedly developed from the pressure of having to Prove Herself as a muggle witch)
Intro of Goblet of Fire
Everyone except Harry puts their name into the Goblet of Fire
Dumbledore asks calmly if Harry put his name into the Goblet of Fire
Everybody hates Harry
Rita Skeeter writes mean articles about a fourteen-year-old, which nobody seems to be overly concerned about (though given the current state of the British press, that doesn’t surprise me)
Halloween?!
Somewhere in here, Moody tortures spiders
Sirius is living in a cave because I guess nobody gives a fuck about him
(Not sure where the hell Remus went in all this…what the fuck was he doing during this book again?)
Hermione becomes concerned about slavery, people mock her because house elves just LOVE slavery
Winky the sad drunk house elf who’s just SO upset because she fucking LOVED being a slave
Harry gives Cedric a tip-off about the dragons
First task—Steal a Dragon Egg!! Harry uses his broom
People still hate Harry, because why not
Figurin out tha Egg
C h r i s t m a s
Molly is a petty bitch towards Hermione because of the rumors of her & Krum
Yule Ball!! (which could be cool, if they dropped some sick beats)
Krum asks Hermione
Ron asks somebody & Harry asks somebody else, though I don’t remember who and they ditch them anyway (Padma & Parvati? Is that a name? Is that her name? goddamnit, I don’t remember. Sorry gurl)
They overhear Hagrid telling the headmistress of Beauxbatons that he’s a half-giant
Cedric gives Harry a tip-off about the eggs, because Harry helped him earlier
Myrtle pervs on Harry (might’ve just been a movie addition)
Harry can’t figure out how to breathe underwater, Dobby helps him
Laeke (in February in the UK)
Harry saves both Ron & Gabrielle, because Fleur fucked up
People sort of don’t hate Harry as much anymore, because he saved a child
IDK what happens next
The FINAL CHALLENGE!!!
Krum is Imperiused into doing something
Harry helps Cedric get to the cup, they both touch it
Nobody told them it would Portkey back to the start, so they Whisk away & end up in a graveyard
R A V E I N T H E G R A V E
Harry’s wand pulls a Deus Ex Machina to get him out
Harry is sad
Moody tries to kill Harry, is revealed as Crouch Jr.
Ministry kills Crouch Jr. with a dementor
* * *
Harry Potter and the Book That Had No Business Being This Goddamn Long
Harry has been experiencing ongoing C-PTSD from his entire life, but nobody who can actually help him out of his shitty situation gives a shit
Harry summons his Patronus to save him & Dudley from Dementors
Harry is accused of existing
Advanced Guard shows up, takes Harry to Grimmauld Place
Sirius is no longer living in a cave
Meet Kreacher, a house elf so horrible that many probably feel his slavery is justified
Hermione & Ron are made prefects. Harry feels bad (though I don’t know why. Responsibility is way overrated, bro)
Harry’s trial. Dumbledore points out that he’s the coolest wizard ever & he wants Harry to go loose, so they let him off
TO SCHOOL!!
Harry is almost alone on the train, but sits w/ Neville & Luna
Harry sees the thestrals, we ignore that he saw his mother die & yet somehow he didn’t see them earlier
Umbridge is the new DADA
Harry wants to learn actual DADA, because a genocidal warlord is after him
He starts the Super Secret DADA Club after finding the Room of Requirement (which I don’t remember how he finds)
Dumbledore is avoiding Harry, because the kid obviously doesn’t need defense or guidance right about now
Draco, who is also now a prefect, is Umbridge’s pet
Death Eaters are after something
Somewhere in here, Harry starts getting detentions w/ Umbridge
Harry gets kicked out of Quidditch
Arthur is bitten, Harry & friends to St. Mungo’s, meet Neville’s insane parents
Christmas
Sirius gives Harry a magic mirror
Harry starts Occlumency
Snape is a big bitch baby
Occlumency doesn’t work
Harry tries to date Cho, the ex of the boy who fucking died last year. Shocking no one, it doesn’t work out
DA is almost caught, Dumbledore takes the blame & poofs away, leaving Umbridge as headmistress
Fred & George fuck off to become businessmen
Harry tries to take his finals, sees Sirius being tortured, doesn’t check his mirror. He goes to Umbridge’s Floo, is caught & almost tortured, Snape pops in for a hot minute & gets Harry’s coded message
Hermione tricks Umbridge into going into the Forbidden Forest, where she’s carried off by centaurs
I honestly don’t give a fuck about all the giant shit
Harry & friends ride off on the thestrals to London, break into the Ministry, find the prophecy & Lucius, FIGHT
Sirius & the Order show up & die
Harry sees Voldemort, who loses a duel and tries to possess him
The Ministry now believes Voldemort is back & has cleared Sirius
* * *
Harry Potter and the Completely Useless Installment
The Muggle minister learns about crazy wizarding shit
Snape & Narcissa enter a Magical Binding Oath
Dumbledore takes Harry to meet Slughorn, the new Potions teacher
Snape is the new DADA teacher
TO SCHOOL
Draco punches Harry on the train, Harry feels embarrassed
Harry wasn’t going to take advanced potions or whatever, but since Slughorn is the teacher now, he does
He gets a shit-ass textbook that happens to have all the answers in it
Harry wins Liquid Luck thanks to his shit-ass textbook
Ron tries out for Quidditch, because it’s about time he became a proper masculine jock
Ginny also tries out for Quidditch, I’m pretty fuckin sure
Harry learns about Horcruxes
Ron starts dating Lavender, then he & Hermione eventually somehow reveal they have feelings for each other
Harry & Ginny like each other
Draco is doing something suspicious
Harry uses Liquid Luck to figure out how to get Slughorn to reveal something that Dumbledore already knew
TO THE BATCAVE CAVE OF DEATH AND ZOMBIES!!
Harry & Dumbledore waste their time only to discover fuckin Regulus stole the locket, but never bothered to properly destroy it, so now it’s lost somewhere else
Death Eaters break into Hogwarts
Snape kills Dumbledore
Dumbledore’s funeral
* * *
Harry Potter and the Objects that Were Only Invented to Give the Last Book a Cool Name
Harry’s birthday approacheth. Instead of just Apparating to Andromeda’s house and crossing into the protective barrier on foot, the Order enacts a risky plan that kills Hedwig & Moody & injures George in the process
Harry, Ron, & Hermione inherit stuff from Dumbledore
-Harry: dead person ring
-Ron: lighter
-Hermione: book of fairy tales
Bill & Fleur’s wedding at the Burrow
Harry meets Luna’s dad, first hears about the Deathly Hallows
Burrow is attacked, Harry & friends go on the run
To Grimmauld Place! Kreacher is more tolerable because the plot dictates it (also maybe now that Sirius is dead)
The three infiltrate the Ministry to steal Umbridge’s locket
Success!! But now they have to go camping
Camping
Camping
Camping
Somewhere in here they visit Luna’s dad?? She’s missing
Not sure what the fuck they learn at Luna’s house, except maybe about the Deathly Hallows
Harry sees visions of Voldemort visiting an old guy
Ron gets pissed & runs off
Christmas
Harry & Hermione visit Harry’s old lady neighbor, who’s actually a snake in disguise. Harry breaks his wand
Harry & Hermione realize the Sword of Gryffindor can destroy the locket, because nobody ever cleaned it after Harry used it to kill the basilisk
A doe leads Harry through the woods (in hindsight, why the fuck was he following it)
The Sword magically appears at the bottom of a frozen lake, nearly killing Harry & Ron as they try to retrieve it
The three destroy the locket
Camping
Camping
Camping
Harry says “Voldemort,” & the Death Eaters find them
To Malfoy MAnor!!
Draco is home for Easter break
They find Luna, Dobby, & a goblin in the basement
Harry wrestles Draco for his wand
Everybody escapes, Dobby dies
To Bill & Fleur’s cottage!!
Hangin at the Cottage while they formulate a plan to infiltrate Gringotts
Infiltration of Gringotts, freein the dragon, gettin the cup. The goblin makes off w/ the sword (good for him)
Harry realizes Voldemort knows about the horcrux hunt
Off to Hogwarts!!
Hermione & Ron get some basilisk fangs & destroy the cup
Harry alerts nice people that they’re back
Harry to Room of Requirement, Draco’s dumb friend sets it on fyre (haha get it)
Harry & friends destroy the diadem
B a t t l e
Lots of people die
Breaktime, everybody gets a KitKat
Harry & friends spy on Voldemort, Snape, & Nagini, watch Snape die
Harry collects Snape’s memories & looks in the Pensieve
Harry turns himself in, dies
Harry Jesuses himself back into the battle
Battle is over, everybody acts like they’re gonna be nice to each other when they’re really not
Harry has his slave make him a sandwich
Years later, Harry has named his poor son Albus Severus, and everyone’s still a dick to the Slytherins
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